By now I'm sure you've all heard the devastating news: Steve Irwin has brutally murdered by a savage, wrong side of the tracks, reform school juvenile, emo-esque stingray. A fucking stingray!
Apparently, the man loved the world over for his 'crikey' catchprase, was filming a documentary off the coast of
If you're like me, then the news of Steve's death isn't all that shocking; it had to happen sooner or later, right? The way he wrestled those crocks, one had to think that he would be caught in a triple-lock death suflex sooner or later. Hell, I'm sure even Steve wanted to go out in the jaws of one of the crocodiles he loved so much, but a stingray - please, this is outrageous.
The only explanation I can fathom is a global conspiracy involving the numerous governments and global corporations and probably even those pale geezers from the Davinci Code, which all feared (and held back) Steve's ability to end the war on terrorism and secure world peace.
Steve Irwin's chest cannot be pierced by a stingray's barb.
Steve Irwin's love for taunting crocodiles, like the love his millions of fans around the world had for his larrikin antics, will live on long past this truly darkest of dark days...
...But rest assured:
I will hunt down and kill every motherf$%#@g stingray I can get my hands on (...Including the Philadelphia Stingrays Hockey team, if I have to), until I rain down venegeance on that no good sonofabitch that has denied the world of ever seeing a sequel to the critically aclaimed Collision Course.You know, I don't know what a barb is, but it better be loaded because when I find you, Stingy, your a one dead sea bed dwelling tit.
1 comment:
As a Steve Irwin loving botanist, I too am outraged at this tragedy. I hereby take it upon myself to make all two hundred species of stingray around the world extinct as soon as it is humanly possible.
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