In these situations it is always advisable to follow these few steps:
1. Check your watch, if you are sure that he may be seconds away from falling asleep then call your father and explain your plight always emphasising that it is in nobody's fault and perhaps, only if you are feeling extra daring of course, remind him how grateful you are of the Amiga 500 he bought you on Christmas 1991.
2. Have a hammer on stand by (don't worry we'll come back to this later).
3. While waiting for the cavalry to arrive enjoy a beer or two in the adjacent bar which you have broken down near.
IMPORTANT NOTE: This will render you unable to drive later, so you will need a friend with a full license on stand by, however, this drink is highly recommended after waking your father and forcing him to drive 45minutes into the heart of a city which he cruses on a daily basis. Nevertheless, take your time, enjoy your drink.
4. Be sure to exit the pub only seconds before Pops arrives on the scene. Turn your phone to silent - this is no time to bring up Sparky.
5. After connecting the jumper cables to either car and watching your father exert 51 years of frustration out on your starter motor with the hammer that we prepared earlier, try to not seem too horrified when he starts the car the first time and glances you with a look which says "no matter what you say, I know you've been at a gay club tonight and that's why your car broke down."
6. After you have broken down for the second time, try not to appear too scared when pushing the car through a red light and your father hits the brake to avoid a fatal collision with an oncoming Holden Commodore hell bent on destroying its most bitter rival, remember, Tom grew up on the streets of Salford in the 1960s and he wants that Commodore to stop.
7. Although falling apart from anxiety, try to remember the teachings of the father Buddha that "life is but a dream which we all share as one consciousness" and with that in mind open the closest thing you can find to alcohol, take a xanax and watch as much of Monkey Magic as you can handle before passing out. Once home you can rest assured that everything will be alright in the morning, and if not, your father will probably bury your mechanic in a remote area far away from what a jury could rightly consider your involvement.
1. Check your watch, if you are sure that he may be seconds away from falling asleep then call your father and explain your plight always emphasising that it is in nobody's fault and perhaps, only if you are feeling extra daring of course, remind him how grateful you are of the Amiga 500 he bought you on Christmas 1991.
2. Have a hammer on stand by (don't worry we'll come back to this later).
3. While waiting for the cavalry to arrive enjoy a beer or two in the adjacent bar which you have broken down near.
IMPORTANT NOTE: This will render you unable to drive later, so you will need a friend with a full license on stand by, however, this drink is highly recommended after waking your father and forcing him to drive 45minutes into the heart of a city which he cruses on a daily basis. Nevertheless, take your time, enjoy your drink.
4. Be sure to exit the pub only seconds before Pops arrives on the scene. Turn your phone to silent - this is no time to bring up Sparky.
5. After connecting the jumper cables to either car and watching your father exert 51 years of frustration out on your starter motor with the hammer that we prepared earlier, try to not seem too horrified when he starts the car the first time and glances you with a look which says "no matter what you say, I know you've been at a gay club tonight and that's why your car broke down."
6. After you have broken down for the second time, try not to appear too scared when pushing the car through a red light and your father hits the brake to avoid a fatal collision with an oncoming Holden Commodore hell bent on destroying its most bitter rival, remember, Tom grew up on the streets of Salford in the 1960s and he wants that Commodore to stop.
7. Although falling apart from anxiety, try to remember the teachings of the father Buddha that "life is but a dream which we all share as one consciousness" and with that in mind open the closest thing you can find to alcohol, take a xanax and watch as much of Monkey Magic as you can handle before passing out. Once home you can rest assured that everything will be alright in the morning, and if not, your father will probably bury your mechanic in a remote area far away from what a jury could rightly consider your involvement.
1 comment:
"no matter what you say, I know you've been at gay club tonight and that's why your car broke down."
Oh Mark... if only it wasn't true :)
Post a Comment